VALENTINE’S DAY

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(photo viaย @tristamateerย on instagram)

Valentine’s day is just around the corner and it’s really bumming me out. It’s weird because I’ve never really cared about Valentine’s Day much. I never disliked it! We all know it’s a money holiday but I still thought it was a sweet day for couples like an anniversary and I liked it. If I was single, whatever, I’ve spent 24 Valentine’s Days single and I never died. If I was with someone it meant a gift and maybe dinner out or a movie night in bed or something. It’s never been anything super special and I think it’s only hitting me harder this year because I miss my ex boyfriend. I don’t even like calling him that, it really sucks. At this point we’ve been separated longer than we were even together and you would think it wouldn’t be so hard still but it is.

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EXIST LOUDLY

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(photo via @hellosunshine on instagram)

I’ve talked about this before so it’s not exactly revolutionary for me to say that I want to start being more of myself on this page. Not that I haven’t been in the past, but I’ve only been a part of myself because the truth is– myself is not “brand friendly.” Myself is not necessarily accepted by my peers on Instagram, either. Every time I write a caption opening up about my life, my struggles, my passions, or post a story that isn’t super cute, about products and my pets, or where I talk about difficult topics I get a few negative comments and DMs (expected) but I also lose followers which for a small creator who relies on her Instagram to support herself is hard and it encourages me to shut off more and more of myself and only show the cute, colorful, happy parts of myself and my life and hide away the rest.

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REALIZATION โ†’ ACTUALIZATION

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Hey Instagram just checking in cause it’s been awhile. Thanks to everyone who didn’t unfollow me through my Rodney Reed post spree! I was shocked at the number of people who did but also not surprised. It’s weird being an influencer and a real person with real thoughts/feelings and passions that fall outside of your social media ‘category’ at the same time. Some people have told me they love when I post stuff that isn’t about products or selfies and some people hate it and that’s ok.

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ALL BOOBS ARE GOOD BOOBS

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@crudelydrawnstore sent me one of his art prints and I’m IN LOVE. I’m almost 100% certain I’ve already had a feminist rant on here about the unrealistic expectations people have for other people and their own boobs (and vulvas, since we’re talking about it) but I’m doing it again because it’s important!!

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IT’S OK NOT TO BE OK

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(art via @jade_boylanon instagram)

Hey guys! (Do I think I’m a YouTuber or something, what was that? lmao) I want to start being more authentic on this account. I think a lot of the time, people (including myself) get caught up with trying to be “brand friendly” or just look like we have it all together and only show the best parts of ourselves and our lives. I scroll through my feed and see all of these amazing pictures of outfits, makeup, vacations, food, etc. and I feel so disconnected. I’ve been lucky enough to do a few sponsored posts with awesome companies who sent me clothes/makeup or on a trip and I post pictures, but that isn’t my daily life AT ALL. I even have an upcoming sponsorship with a food company that I tried really hard to make look as cute as possible but in reality I eat almost every meal in bed watching TV or scrolling on my phone. In reality, I’m only ever dressed up if I’m going somewhere (which is rare) and spend 90% of my time in big shirts, pajamas and no makeup. In reality, I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other people online. In reality, I suffer with mental illness and even if you see me posting a fun photo on instagram that day.. odds are I took it a week before, haven’t showered since and am laying in bed feeling sorry for myself about SOMETHING. Some (and by some I mean a lot) of my days are bad. Some days I’m not OK and that’s OK, too. I want to start opening up and being honest here because this is my most popular platform and I want to take advantage of that and do something good with it. I get so many comments/DMs from people telling me I’m beautiful and inspiring and I LOVE those messages but it almost feels like you’re complimenting someone else because you don’t KNOW me yet. You’ve only seen the best and I want to show all of me, not just the 10% that makes me seem perfect so look forward to some new stuff SOON. I’m currently building up the courage to share my biggest physical insecurity with you guys and I’m terrified but also kind of excited? Anyway, today my mood is low and I’m trying to distract myself with work but tomorrow I’m leaving my house and meeting up with a new friend for the first time in over 5 years and I’m nervous as hell so wish me luck! ๐Ÿ’›ย #ITSOKTONOTBEOK