STARTING OVER

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Because this necklace is all about love I decided to open up and talk a little about my struggle with self-love recently as I’ve gone through a MAJOR weight loss journey over the last year. I don’t talk about my weight loss often because as someone who is body-positive, I never want to make anyone feel like they should lose weight and I never wanted to look at the comments I would inevitably receive because, while it took a lot of work and determination to lose the weight, I know the ‘congrats’ and other compliments wouldn’t be for my hard work. When people say nice things about the way I look after losing weight, it is in some way offensive to me because I’m still the girl who weighed 250lbs. I am not a different person and the congratulations, to me, always suggest that I look so much better now and I don’t like that idea. I don’t look better than before, I look different than before. In fact, before I lost the weight I had MORE confidence than I do now.

I know that’s difficult for a lot of people to understand. It was difficult for me to understand before searching out articles and videos and people who felt the same way. I didn’t lose weight because I thought I was unattractive as a fat person, I lost weight because I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes and advised to lose at least 70lbs. I ended up losing more than that because I felt like every pound I lost, I lost a pound of confidence and convinced myself that if I just lost 5 more pounds I would gain my confidence back. I did that over and over again until I realized that my weight wasn’t the issue. It was all in my head. Adjusting to a new body is difficult and it takes time. Adjusting to the way people view you and react to you in the world after losing weight is difficult and takes time. I wanted to take this picture because this is my biggest weight loss insecurity that I am trying to work on accepting and loving. I’ve always had “saggy” boobs because they’ve always been really big regardless of how big I was at the time but since losing weight they have become more saggy and I have lose skin that I never had before. Loose skin comes along with weight loss and I knew that but I didn’t think it would affect me like it has. I didn’t think anything could take away my self love, it felt unshakable. It definitely wasn’t. If my self-love had a health meter I would have noticed it draining as fast as I was losing weight. But now, I’ve stopped focusing on losing weight and started focusing on gaining confidence. I want my self-love back because that’s what gives you confidence, not the way you look or what other people think of you. Self-love is THE most important love and I want to remember that and get back to the 250lb. girl who loved her body fiercely and didn’t think twice about what anyone thought of her boobs or her belly or anything else because she loved herself and that’s all that mattered. I’m starting back at square one but I’m starting my self-love journey all over again and it feels good.

THIS IS A POST FROM MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT @JENNDECIMA POSTED ORIGINALLY ON THURSDAY JUNE 27TH, 2019 AND ADDED TO THIS BLOG ON MONDAY DECEMBER 23RD, 2019.

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