CREATING WHAT I WISH EXISTED

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This is my first post on this website which means I should probably write an introduction or something but I’m not going to do that. It is also a post from Instagram so if you’re finding my website and you’re NOT from my Instagram, there’s some context for you. Also, follow my instagram(s). They’re in the sidebar.


HELLO IT IS I, ONCE AGAIN POPPING IN TO REMIND YOU THAT I AM CAPABLE OF POSTING SOMETHING THAT ISN’T AN AD!

I posted here a month ago with a similar check in and said that I’ve been struggling with this page because it’s weird being an “influencer” and a real person with real thoughts, feelings, and passions that fall outside of your social media ‘category’ at the same time BUT that I don’t want to stop posting about my life, my struggles, and other things I care about. I don’t want a fake profile that is just my photo-shopped face talking about a beautiful life I don’t live and constantly worrying about staying brand friendly so that I continue to make money and live. I feel like a mascot. Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to accept sponsorships from companies that allow me the freedom to advertise for them in a way that allows me some creative freedom and a control over the authenticity of the caption (in fact, I’m posting one later to day so get ready! 😂) because I, unfortunately, need money to survive. That’s capitalism,  baby. And I DO want to make money, but I’m not and have never been a money motivated person. It’s one of the many reasons I remain so very money-less, lol. I am someone who is motivated by passion and creativity and if I don’t have that in what I’m doing I lose interest no matter how much money I could be making doing it. For awhile now (and I’m sure you guys have noticed) I have not been feeling passionate about this account or social media at all and I think I’ve realized that my lack of passion is coming from the fact that I’m stifling myself because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do on Instagram in order to get followers, get sponsorships, and appease as many people as possible on the road to success BUT LET ME TELL YOU.. the more successful I become, the less successful I feel. The more money I make, the more time I feel like I’m wasting and I’m just flat out not happy with the direction my account has gone in and so I’m changing the direction because it’s mine and I can do that. 😉 I built this account and it’s following on authenticity and sharing my life AS IT IS, not as Instagram finds most appealing so I’m going to start doing more of that again because THAT is what makes me feel passionate and creative and motivated to get up and CREATE. I posted an incredibly long series of Instagram stories on my personal account @painthrillers that was very messy, full of typos, full of melodrama, and just generally pretty embarrassing but that’s ok. I’m sick of trying to be perfect. For the last few months I keep thinking about the quote “Create what you wish existed.” and I realized that I already did that. My Instagram was a huge creative outlet for me to practice taking pictures, come up with fun photography concepts, share my life in a deeply embarrassing but also deeply fulfilling way, relate to people, help people, help myself and learn more about myself, experiment with different styles of presenting myself (yes, that was a really long way to say take selfies. But I used to try on different styles and wake up and decide to be a different person on the outside than I’ve ever been and I would spend the whole day doing my makeup and hair and take photos and just have FUN and I don’t do that anymore!), and share things that I’m passionate about even if they’re not what my followers may or may not be passionate about. That’s what I used to do. I used to post for me exclusively. I created something that I was really proud of and then I got sidetracked and lost my way but I want to bring some of that back while also making money because like I said, I kind of need that to live. I also want to write more because I never shut up and the fact that Instagram cuts me off, doesn’t let me link anything, and is just generally rude to me on a daily basis means that I’ve been planning on making a website. Right now, I’m in the process of transferring over some of my lengthier posts from Instagram over to the website so that it doesn’t look like an empty wasteland and I’m SURE the look of it will change over time but I’m doing all of this very quickly and without much thought because that’s how I work and that’s how I’ve always created the things I was the most proud of even if (and sometimes because) they weren’t perfect. I also want to start a series on the website that will document how I, personally, work to get out of a deeply depressive state which is where I am right now, welcome! We’ve been here together before but I’ve never really shared all the embarrassing (sometimes gross) details that my depression entails or the actual step by step, sometimes weird, sometimes seemingly counter-productive ways that I get out of a depressive cycle once I realize I’m in one but I’ve always wanted to and it might be helpful. Even if it’s literally the most unhelpful thing on the internet and not a single person takes one scrap of inspiration from it to help themselves, I think it’s going to help me because it’s something I’ve never created before and that I wish existed and that’s exciting to me. Making this website is itself one of the steps I’m taking to help myself and take steps to improve my mental health. And I have a lot of plans (that I’m totally actually going to do and not going to forget about or push off for years because it sounds hard and scary) for the website outside of just talking about stuff. I’ve already filmed THREE terrible quality, cringe-inducing, embarrassing videos that will be coming to a YouTube channel near you soon. I also want to create things to buy! You don’t have to buy them obviously, but I have been spending a lot of time on RedBubble and sites like it recently buying people’s designs and also SCOURING the internet for things I want but haven’t been created yet so what am I gonna do? Create what I wish existed (It’s a theme. Get into it.) and then buy them myself. Also, put them here if you ever want to buy them but don’t feel obligated because as I said, I am still taking sponsorships and am not going to starve if you don’t. I am rambling which is something I love to do and am very excited to do more of in the future but I’m going to stop myself here. I’m sure this post was… a mess. But that’s ok. If you have any questions just ask me! I am an open book. The main message I’m trying to convey is that I am a sad person, especially right now, but I am an optimistic person by default (AKA I’m an Aries) and I don’t like to give up (AKA I’m an Aries) and this is my way to turn something that is extremely negative into something useful and positive. And to talk about myself.. because I’m an Aries.

(PS I am currently working on something about abusive friendships and it is taking forever because it’s me and I’m including a lot of photos which means finding the things I’m taking the photos of in my many memory/momento boxes and scrap books and then taking those photos and then editing those photos to remove any identifying information.. it’s a lot. But that’s what’s next so if this website sits empty for awhile don’t think I’ve lost interest and abandoned it. I’m working, I promise! Also, if you have any suggestions or having anything specific you want to see from me– let me know! JENNIFERDECIMA@GMAIL.COM or just like.. DM me, it doesn’t have to be super official. I’m just really amped up about the fact that my name has a .com after it and I’m feeling very “email me” and “here’s my business card” right now, lol.)

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